The Olympics—U.S. Swimming Up Stream

If you like spectacular performances followed by tearful apologies, then the Olympics are for you.

Historically I’ve not been a big fan of the Summer Olympics–the one with synchronized swimming, badminton and archery. The Olympic Games combine two things that I never particularly liked: phys ed class and foreigners. However, I do like a good whodunit crime story, so the 12- times Olympic swimming gold medalist Ryan Lochte story was captivating.

In short, Lochte and three swim teammates took drunk after their medal winning performance, tore a poster off a gas station bathroom wall, got a gun pointed at them, and depending on how you view it, either were robbed, shaken down, or made to pay $400 by a guy who purportedly worked for the gas station–the same guy who pointed the gun at them. Not exactly due process, but swift justice.

When Obama heard about these Americans being held at gunpoint at the gas station, he instinctively ordered a U.S. government jet, loaded with $400 million in cash sent there, to secure their release.

Obama was golfing, so his erstwhile VP may have handled. Hearing about this Brazil situation, Biden called upon his foreign policy intellect and ordered a Brazilian dollars sent.

Obama, watching the Olympics from vacation (he decided not to watch the rowing events in Louisiana in person) also ordered his Justice Department to launch an investigation as to why there were no blacks in the dressage events.

The real problem came for the swimmers, as it always does, when they came out with differing versions of the story. These were the regular manly men swimmers, aggrandizing the story to make themselves look good. Say what you will about our synchronized swim team, they would have gotten their stories coordinated.

On the bright side Lochte gave so many self-serving versions of the story that he was offered a job as Clinton press spokesmen. He just swam in the foul rancid waters of Rio, so he should be prepared to be around Clinton staffers.

In Lochte’s defense, these treacherous countries have a lot of crime and corrupt police. It had to be explained to the Brazilian government, as it was to the Russians at the Sochi Winter Games, that the Olympic medals you confiscate at gunpoint do not count toward your countries overall medal count.

The opening ceremonies are a parade of countries in tacky warm-up suits, some of which we have not occupied with troops. Iran and Russia’s outfits were the most atrociously ugly; again proving the price a country pays for having no gays.

As expected, Michael Phelps was the American hero in these games. He represented us Americans well by eating a pound of pasta after one win. Polls indicate that other countries hate America most because of such gluttony (Ryan Seacrest and Bob Costas came in 2nd and 3rd on the list), so Phelps eating a pound of pasta really didn’t help—and it does nothing to dispel those pot smoking rumors either.

Then there was the troubling men’s synchronized diving, which is like spooning in the air. Experts say to pay attention to who wins this, because it’s the best indicator of who will win the most Tony Awards in the spring.

I did like the women’s beach volleyball. I can’t put my finger on it, but I found that compelling. Men’s water polo, somehow it does not have the same appeal; I’d suggest putting a shark in the pool, and then you’d maybe have something.

The Olympics is a test of which country had the best pharmacists and geneticists. This year they got the testing right, and caught Russia, which had depleted its entire strategic reserve of clean urine. They even had tests for testosterone levels to make sure some of the women were not actually men; it’s the same test they used on Rosie O’Donnell and most of Hillary Clinton’s staff.

I was just hoping that one of these courageous he/she athletes would not get kidnapped in Brazil, which is prone to such. NBC would go apoplectic. Brazilian authorities would have been tasked with getting one of these women/men back if they went missing; presumably by putting their picture of milk cartons — on half and half.

Kids don’t remember, but a former man who surgically became a woman, Dr. Renee Richards was a pioneer in this area. Her/his tennis career was cut short when she could not pass the Olympic chromosome test. She/he was a pioneering hero. If you want to read about it, she wrote a book, I think it was called: How to Play Tennis without Balls.

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