The Historic Obama-Boehner Golf Summit

First there was the “Beer Summit” after Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. claimed, and Obama agreed, that the Cambridge police “acted stupidly” when they were called to investigate a break-in at his home. Later it was determined that the officer just did his job.

Then, in damage-control mode, Obama invited the Cambridge police officer and Professor Gates to have a beer and solve the hyper-sensitive race issues in America. What better way would there be to settle racial tensions than to introduce alcohol to the debate? There hadn’t been that much drinking in the White House since Betty Ford.

The problem was, once Obama got a few beers in him, he made two regrettable errors. First, he drunk-dialed Janet Napolitano, so you know he had too much to drink. Second, he decided he could fix the economy, proving that sometimes bad decisions end up as funny stories later.

So, having fixed America’s racial problems with the “Beer Summit” photo-op, a self-satisfied Obama set about tackling other major issues.

Last Sunday, Obama applied his “summit diplomacy” to the delicate issue of our country going broke by playing golf with Republican John Boehner. It was another historic moment when our first black president played golf with our first orange speaker of the House. The goal was to bridge their ideological divide in order to fix our massive deficit. Sounds easy, right? Obama’s handicap is 17, and Boehner’s is Obama’s veto power over his legislation.

Obama has really taken to golf. It was a disappointing game to him at first; he thought he could manipulate the ball into the hole with the sheer magnetism of his personality, the help of local unions, coddling professors and the will of an adoring media.

Obama feels all golf scores should be the same, so he was surprised there can be actual winners. Per this president, golf is not about talent, hard work, sacrifice and results, any more than success in business should be. Golf should be about fairness and equality; why else have a handicap system? Any winnings by a better golfer should be redistributed to those who do not even try to play the game. And he is the man to do it.

When Boehner conceded a short putt to Obama, the president failed to recognize it as a “gimme.” He preferred to call it an “entitlement.”

Boehner beat the president in golf. It ended as you might expect, with John Boehner crying in joy and Obama blaming George Bush for his loss.

Politicians, who view deficit spending like golf bets, probably ran up $14 trillion in gambling debts on Sunday. And true to form, they agreed to leave the bill to the next group of younger golfers playing behind them.

Had Obama and Biden won, they planned to donate their winnings to the favorite charity of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods and John Edwards: the “Boys Will Be Boys” Club of D.C. Perhaps they can sponsor an exhibition by Tiger Woods for the boys in the club, in which he will demonstrate a skill that he wishes he had learned as a kid: how to erase text messages.

According to his staff, the president did not play golf as much as he spent time riding in an electric cart to promote green energy. Obama would never carry his own clubs; hauling around so much dead weight reminds him too much of Joe Biden.

Obama did have Biden along with him — the vice president probably had a Rodney Dangerfield golf bag that shot his clubs in the air while blasting Journey’s “Any Way You Want It” on command.

It was smart of the president to play with these guys. He has come a long way since last year, when Rush Limbaugh suggested that they play golf. Obama replied that he should just play with himself, to which Anthony Weiner said, “I am in!” And when Louisiana Senator David Vitter heard that Obama was spending the afternoon with three hookers, he asked if he could join in, too.

It would have been fun to watch this match. It would combine the excitement of the two most riveting channels on TV: C-SPAN and The Golf Channel.

I have been watching closely to see if anything happened afterward, and nothing did. In that regard, it was much like watching golf on TV.

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