A Tiger’s Tale

The Tiger Tale ended at the Bay County, Florida Courthouse last week when Elin Woods got her divorce finalized. An African-American man has not been as uncomfortable in Panama City since Barack Obama pretended to vacation there the weekend before.

Tiger Woods’ marriage effectively ended when he sped out of his driveway last November, hit a tree, and twenty bimbos fell out.

This event at the courthouse marked as official the end of Elin and Tiger Woods’ marriage. She filed for divorce several months ago, citing irreconcilable cocktail hostesses.

Elin has worked through this divorce as all celebrities do: publicly, but all the while asking for privacy. As they all tell us, celebrity healing is a three-step process. First there is anger. Second there is grief. Third there is the People Magazine interview.

The natural instinct of everyone, especially women, is to feel sorry for and to rally around the woman in these situations.  I see that.  But before we get all Oprah (a woman who has never been married or had kids, but who is somehow considered an authority on both) about it, let’s evaluate what we have here.

Elin is going to be in fine shape. She is certainly doing better than Tiger this year, since she is now the leading money winner on the 2010 PGA Tour.

She is rich, hot, famous, and what everyone in the liberal media loves: a victim. Now she is free to move to the normal next stage of her high-profile life, in which a pseudo-celebrity, gold-digging, freeloading guy marries her with great fanfare as she proclaims that “she has found true love.” Then he uses his semi-celebrity status to cheat on her and take half her money.

Think about it; right now Elin is in a perfect position.  What do all celebrity ex-swimsuit models want more than anything? Fame, money and exotic kids. Madonna, Sandra Bullock and Angelina Jolie shouldn’t be the only ones who can have the status symbol of one of those Benetton ad kids. The mixed-race baby is apparently the most desirable accessory for today’s celebs. And Elin should be able to bank on her kids’ talent, because you really never know what to expect from a kid from a sub-Saharan country. You cannot count on adopting Manute Bol.

Tiger is the most recent celebrity to find out that cheating is not a profitable business. In fact, it has not been profitable for a long time, perhaps since Bill Clinton. When he left office, we were running surpluses.

In fairness to Tiger, it is really difficult to stop sleeping with a different hot woman each week when you really don’t want to. It is the real reason men want to become famous. Ironically, in this paparazzi, TMZ, cell-phone-picture, tell-all world we live in, being famous makes it more difficult to carry on like this.

If Elin did not get Tiger’s money, Obama would have. Folks like Tiger are “profiled” by the current administration and, if they are found to be in possession of earned money, the administration reserves the right to pull them over and take it from them.

With all the stress relieved from being unburdened by that $100 million, Tiger seems to be playing better golf. I think what this age-old tale has taught us that we did not really already know (other than that men have dalliances and, by mathematical necessity, an equal number of women do, too) is that a stable personal life is important to one’s success. A good marriage, depending on how you define it, was important to Tiger’s success on the course.

Having played so poorly this year, Tiger might not make the Ryder Cup team for the first time in his career. He must now rely on the “captain’s pick” decision of Corey Pavin to make the team. Perhaps Woods can call upon President Obama to settle the hotly-debated issue. The Ryder Cup is an international event where America battles Europe in head-to-head competition.  Since Obama is probably indifferent to the outcome, he could be the perfect impartial arbitrator.

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