A Plea To Disqualify The Winter Olympics

The Winter Olympic Games began, as they always do, with the Parade of Nations—many of which we have yet to invade. By parading like that, however, they seem to just be asking for it.

Men only watch the Winter Games if a woman forces them to. If you catch a man voluntarily watching the Winter Olympics, he is just one Oprah show or Lifetime Channel movie away from getting himself a cat.

They seem unnecessary. No doubt many of you love the games, and I respect that, but I do not.

Instead of every four years, I suggest holding the Winter Games every 10, which would be just often enough to remind people why we only hold them once every 10 years. Better yet, cancel them entirely and see if anyone notices. I bet even Dick Button would not care.

Hockey is the only Winter Games event that actually resembles a sport. Its gay step-brothers—ice dancing and pairs skating—seem more like an exhibition or a San Francisco parade that requires a permit. Any form of “sport” where men make their own outfits, or which in any way involves sequins (unless on sideline cheerleaders), is simply wrong. Even bowlers agree.

The only controversy in ice dancing would be if a male skater tested positive for heterosexuality. Then we might discover that he did not make his own outfit. This would be grounds for disqualification and, worse, would put the skater at risk of the ultimate punishment: never being called “fabulous” again.

The Winter Games are like soccer and recycling: Americans act like they are into them, but really aren’t. If not for NBC’s maudlin biographies of obscure athletes and all they have “overcome” (backed by the theme from Chariots of Fire), few would watch. Any event, like curling, that risks America being beaten by Iceland should be eliminated—or at least not broadcast to the free world.

Apparently, some elitist northeasterners decided we needed Winter Olympics so they could get their “fair share” of this pillow fight among unimportant Nordic countries. Maybe if the Winter Games had consequences, they might interest me. For example, if Sweden loses to the U.S., we get to give away the Nobel Prize. If they beat us, they can have Al Gore and Barack Obama.

The bobsled event, which I think was invented by Robert Sled, is also not really a sport. It is more like a winter activity. How can it be a sport when only white guys do it? Is it really a big deal when a guy gets on a sled, points his toes, and lets gravity take over? I am sure there is more to it, but no reasonable person I know wants to take the time to find out.

At least the Summer Games have some underpinnings of real athleticism. Running, jumping, boxing and basketball all seem like worthwhile international competitions, and therefore we field our best athletes. I am going to encourage Tiger Woods to enter the broad jumping event next time.

The last Summer Games had some controversy when the Chinese lip-synced their opening ceremony songs and slipped in underage female gymnasts. Many liberals were horribly disappointed; if you cannot trust a totalitarian communist regime, whom can you trust?

The Olympics date back to ancient Greece, but only in Summer Games form. The Greeks realized they could humiliate the loser of a contest much longer if they did not throw him to the lions, but just gave him a bronze medal instead. The ancient Olympic Games were performed in the nude, with a 50-50 chance that one of the contestants would die if he lost. NBC’s ratings were high back then.

Maybe NBC will boost its current ratings by reverting to ancient Greece’s naked Olympics, but not this year; Bill Clinton is just now recuperating from heart problems. We do not want to lose the last semi-sensible Democrat.

Better yet, really throw the loser to the lions. Americans will watch the most boring event imaginable if there is a chance someone could die in a horrific manner. How else can you explain NASCAR?

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