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The next Nobel winner

January 17, 2010 - Panama City News Herald

About this time last year, someone decided to nominate Barack Obama for the Nobel Peace Prize after he'd been in office just a few days. I think it was a teenage prankster high on weed and irony. The real joke was that the Nobel committee actually gave Obama the award.

It spoke volumes about the committee's motives. They said he won for his aspirations, his tone of conciliation, and for creating a new climate of international something-or-other. In other words, it was a more diplomatic way of saying what they really meant: "America, we hate George Bush and we just helped to elect your new president."

In light of all this, my son is going to nominate me for a Nobel Peace Prize this year. I trust we can count on your support. This is what he plans to write to the Nobel Prize Nominating Committee:

Dear sirs who like to wear the medals you gave yourselves and dress up,

I know you feel guilty about the invention of dynamite, but Islamic roadside bombers and Jimmy "JJ" Walker (of "Good Times" fame) thank you. Guilt is the basis of the most expensive prizes given; just ask Mrs. Kobe Bryant.

So I would like to nominate the man whom I believe to be my father, Ronald J. Hart, for the Nobel Peace Prize for his ground-breaking work in translating ethnic slurs for illegal immigrants.

My dad has long felt that all immigrants should learn English, just as our ancestor, John Hart, did when he came here from England on the Mayflower.

He feels strongly that no one feels welcome in America unless he or she is made fun of, and he has worked tirelessly to translate racial, gender and ethnic slurs for visitors to our country. He spends hours in the Home Depot parking lot explaining the nuances and derivation of racial slurs. He says just the relieved look on the illegal's faces when he is finally done talking is thanks enough, but a Nobel Prize would be way cool.

Imagine the confusion of being in a foreign country, having people yell at you and not knowing what they are talking about. It must be how Arnold Schwarzenegger feels.

You ignored my dad's work in science in the 1980s when he formulated his theory: E=MCHammer. The Nobel Prize might be a good way to make it up to him - you know, like you did for Al Gore when he lost the election.

The study of history and government teaches us that everything given to one person has to be forcibly taken from another. I suggest you make Gore return his Nobel Prize because we are having all sorts of low temperatures here. The only way Gore has gone "green" is from the shakedown money he has made from that crock theory of global warming that he pimps around.

With Unspeakable Love, Jeb Hart